I'm not a hipster (and I'm ok with that) . . .

(This is a post I had in drafts, that I updated a bit. Two posts in one day, unbelieveable!!)

Not in the current use of the term, anyway.  I'm a total 70's hipster, flower child, whatever.  I notice a lot of people right now who are around  my age (and by around, I mean like 10 years either way), who are totally TRYING to be hipsters, in the 20-something sense.  It makes me go hmmmm, seriously.  I mean, it's ok to be your age, you know?  Not my worry or problem, I know, to care how hard they are trying.  I just want to tell them, be happy where you are.  Don't try to be somewhere in life that you're not, you know?

My, admittedly limited, experience with being in different generations has taught me to be happy right where you are in life, right at that moment.  Not always easily done, but it certainly makes for an overall happier place.

I also notice lots of folks putting forth a big "perfect, happy, always smiling" persona in social media. I mean, seriously, we all know so well that life is not always rosy.  I remember my mom saying when I was young that soap operas made moms in the 50's feel like their lives weren't good enough.  They portrayed all these beautiful, rich people with beautiful, perfect children in beautiful, always clean houses . . .

When she would say that, I would think "whatever . . . ", but now I think I understand what she meant. I'm not unhappy with where I'm at (ok, I would take the beautiful, always clean house), but I see all these perfect facebook posts and instagram (hipstergram as my daughter calls it) photos and I think I understand why some people in certain age groups right now might feel the way my mom thought that mom's in the 50's felt.  Oh, some of them will post a "keepin' it real" post every once in awhile, I guess to make those sad, unfortunate ones realize that they have off days, too.

So, this is a lesson for me, as well.  I'm not always happy and content with where I am in life, but I should be. My favorite facebook thing (for lack of a better word) is Queen of Your Own Life and their daily "Queenism's".  I absolutely love them, and while I don't always succeed, they give a good encouragement to be happy where you are in life.

Today's, for example:
She wanted to give and receive more love in her life, so she decided to make everyday Valentine’s Day. As the Queen of her own life, she could do things like that. - Queenisms™

Have a good one!

I'm thinking . . .

I'm thinking about . . .

• Changing my blog to a feminist art blog.  Or just a feminist blog.  I've been noticing how little attention women in the world, specifically the art world, have been overlooked.  I notice, still, how they are overlooked.  Even in places where I expect them not to be.  It's disheartening, but rather than getting mad, it makes me want to try to even things out a bit.  Did you know there's a feminist art history conference every year?  
• Maybe a better phrase is wondering about, why I don't live in the mountains.  I read a blog of a young (younger than me, anyway) woman who lives in northern New Mexico and blogs about her life there. It's the life I always thought I would have. Seriously.  When I read it I think that it should be me.  That's not to say that I'm not incredibly happy and content, mostly, with this life I have on the plains of Kansas.  I guess in a way it's kind of nice to be able to live vicariously through her blogging.  I mean that in a totally uncreepy way.  I actually don't comment much, because I don't want to totally freak her out.  Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about that.  Maybe in retirement I will live that life. 
• Getting organized.  That seems to be a long-term thinking about thing for me.  Maybe someday it will come to fruition.

I love the snow.  Snow days are one of my favorite things.  Now I'm ready for spring, though.  At least I don't want any more cold or snow unless it's enough for more snow days.  Can I put my order in for that?

What are you thinking/wondering about?

Today I feel . . .

Remember, one of the last times I posted, I said my life was less angsty these days?  Yeah, I lied.  I'm really feeling like I need to focus more on all the things in my life I have to be thankful for (No, thank you, I don't want to do the popular 30 days of Thankfulness.  That's fine for those that are doing it, but not my thing).  I do have so much to be thankful for.  Why is it that it's so hard to focus on the good, especially around those we care about the most?  Why is it so much harder to be patient and kind to those we love?  Oh, don't let me mislead you, I get impatient and unkind with those I don't love, too, I just hide it better.

I feel like I missed out on some important genetic makeup.  The cleaning, organizing and exercising gene. Yeah, that one. It comes so naturally for so many people, it seems. Surely I received and equally useful gene, but I'm not sure what it is.  I used to think it was empathy and kindness, but . . .(see above).  And besides, those genes are more hidden.  Everyone sees that I don't have the cleaning, organizing and exercising gene. It's obvious to everyone that knows me.

Anyway, I've been up since 6:15.  Couldn't sleep any longer.  And I've been cleaning the kitchen, and organizing my house in my head.  Now I'm sitting at the computer.  I've been kind of sick with respiratory stuff and have been going to bed early, plus we got our extra hour of sleep last night.  I think my body must have had enough rest for now.

There are my thoughts for the morning.  How do you feel today?

Winner, Winner, Chicken DInner

I'm a buzz agent.  Don't know what that is?  Well, you get free products from different companies, and they ask you to try them and then "buzz" about it to your friends.  It's not some mystery shop thing, they want  you to tell everyone that you got it free, and what you really thought about it.  I've gotten some really cool things over the years.  We got a Sonicare toothbrush, green cleaning supplies, various food items from Dillon's/Kroger . . . I'm sure there are others, but I'm not thinking of them now.

Anyway, this summer we got a free Kroger/Dillon's deli chicken dinner to try.  This week we had Bible School in the evenings, and I'm the co-director.  Bible school starts at 6:30, so most nights, I need to be there no later than 6.  Also, Ellie is in the community theatre play, and the production is this weekend.  Her practices start no later than 6:30 each evening, and sometimes earlier.  Talk about a busy week!  Add several jobs into the mix, and supper time could just be a time when we pass each other in the kitchen or on our way out the door.  But, at least one night this week, we sat down together and ate supper.  The chicken was good and fresh.  I know fried chicken for every meal wouldn't be healthy, but once in awhile it's ok.  We also had a coupon for free chips and a free bottle of coke. We added carrots and fruit and had a quick, well rounded meal.  Everything was tasty and we enjoyed some good family time together!

If you're interested in being a buzz agent (they have campaigns for almost anything == right now there are campaigns for wine, heart burn relief,  olive oil, shoe cushions and more -- let me know and I'll send you an invitation to join!

Yeah, and then there was that . . .

"that" being the blog post that I thought of today that has departed from my brain, for the time being.  I remember thinking, "wow, I never post on my blog anymore, but that would be a good thing to post about", but now it's gone.

But I guess I'll post anyway, and maybe it will come back to me. Or maybe not. Anyway, here are a few things that have been on my mind:

Reading, feminism and other thoughts in my brain -- I really like reading books by women.  It's a bias.  I know it is.  I don't think it's necessarily a bad one, though.  I did post about it before, I know, but I've been thinking about it again.  I've noticed that, generally speaking, we (collectively) tend to quote, mention, write about men.  I have been noticing.  One of my daughters took a class on gender and feminism this year, and we've had some great discussions about it.  Anyway, a few Sundays ago I took note of how many quotes and poems were used during worship.  The total was 4, 2 poems and 2 quotes.  1 was by a woman.  True enough, the poem by the woman was the main part of the sermon, so it received quite a bit more time than the ones by men.  And the ones by men were good ones, don't get me wrong.  I have just been struck by how prevalent that is in many aspects of our society.  Art museums, for example.  Have you seen this? I saw a movie at the Kansas Art Education Association conference last fall, Who Does She Think She Is?,  that made me really stop and think about this.  It's how I was taught art history (male dominated).  It's how I have been teaching art history.  But it's not how I plan to continue teaching art history.  You might say, where the heck have I been to not have noticed this?  I guess you could say that I was eye-deep in raising a family and keeping my head above water, but that's not really a valid excuse or reason.  I was active in women's issues when I was younger, but somehow it slipped by me for a few years. Which is crazy, considering I have 3 daughters, but that's the truth.  I'll try to make up for it now!

And now the other things that I was going to list have flown away and I'm going to go watch a movie, so I'll stop for now!  I plan to come back though :)

Did I? Was I?

I just read a friend's blog post about valentine's day, and it included this:

and i will remember.  i will remember.  there were many years that i would have given almost everything to have this. and i imagine there will be moments that i will give almost everything to have it again.

I will admit, it brought stinging eyes, not quite tears, but a recognition. I remember those times, and they are few and far between now, and different.  Did I remember during those times how much I had wanted it before.  Was I able to be in the moment and enjoy it?  I hope so, but as I think back I'm afraid maybe I was too busy being stressed and unhappy about something trivial, in retrospect.  At the time, I'm sure it didn't seem trivial, whatever it was (messy house, bickering kids, not the "perfect" moment I'd been planning).
And now I am at that place where I would give almost anything to have it again.  I'm not unhappy with where my life is now, but I do miss my kids and their growing-up years.  As much as I may remember feeling stressed, etc. they were good years.

And now, it's lent.  I've given up evening snacks.  It's not so hard except at about 9:30 and only for a few minutes.  I've also given up being impatient with my loved ones.  That's the harder one, but I don't want it to be.  I want to remind myself about why I love them when I start feeling impatient or unhappy about something in our relationship. I do love them.

And, I've taken on exercising, again.  I've been riding the exercise bike in the basement, 9 of the last 14 days.  I was hoping it would give me more energy and make me less tired.  Not yet, but maybe still?

For valentines day, I made my family heart shaped cinnamon rolls. They were overnight rolls so I made them the night before and cooked them in the morning.  My college girls didn't get them til today.  Too busy!

My sweetheart made me a heart shaped popcorn ball.  Before we started dating, he worked at the desk at the men's dorm at our college.  He would use his popcorn popper and make popcorn balls and rice krispie treats.  My friends and I would go steal them (and visit with him).  That is when I started falling in love with him and his sense of humor :)  I'm glad he made it as a reminder.  (I've eaten part of the heart bump, it looked more like a heart when he gave it to me!

Spread love.

2013

That is really weird to say (even in my head).  Twenty Thirteen.  My mind can barely wrap itself around that date.  Seriously.  I'm kind of stuck in the 80's or maybe 90's in my brain.  Not that life has stood still or anything, but that's the age I still feel like I am -- in my 20's or 30's, maybe early 40's.  Yeah, reminds me of when I really was in my 20's and my dad said to me "I still feel the same inside as I did when I was younger. My body feels older but inside I feel just the same."  I nodded and smiled, I'm sure, but in my mind I was thinking "ummmm, yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, sure you do dad".  Now I know just what he meant (and all the 20 and 30somethings are nodding and thinking "ummmm, yeeeeeeeeeah, sure you do Beth". (Ok, I know I've posted this little story before, maybe more than once, but it just seemed to fit here.  I promise this is the last time for that little story :))

I have been thinking about my blogs lately.  I haven't been posting much at all.  Too busy, I guess, and maybe not interested?  When I started this blog I was pretty motivated to write about my life, and I seemed to have a lot of angst.  I don't know if I have mellowed or if my angst has just migrated somehow.  I'm more negative in general, I think, but I don't feel as much dissatisfaction.  I think that's good.  I also think it would be good for me to be less negative.  So, t hat's what I'm going to work on for 2013 (which I just typed as 2012, because I am in deep, deep denial).

I'm planning to start the practice of Examen with a good friend from college.  I'm hoping that will help me get back on a positive track, and maybe that will ripple out and help me be more productive and not such a procrastinator.  Is that too much to expect of it?  Have any of my many (haha) readers practiced Examen?  Do you even know what it is?  You can read about it here and here, although those talk about it as a singular activity, and I am planning on doing it with someone else.  This book is what I am using as a guide.  If you have practiced this, please share your experiences.  I'm hoping to make it a weekly practice, although much of what I read talks about it as a daily practice.

We had a nice trip to visit family for the holidays, but returned home just before returning to work, so things are feeling kind of scattered.  Teaching art continues to fulfill me in many ways while overwhelming me at the same time.  I love it, though.  And adjusting to two in college continues to be a work in progress.  I miss them, terribly sometimes, but life adjusts to the new rhythms and feels good too.

Happy New Year!

Did you know that I love coffee?

This post is sponsored by SheSpeaks and Torani.

I don't know if you knew that about me or not. But, it's the truth, I love coffee.  Most of the coffee I drink is black. I went through a phase where I wouldn't drink coffee without no-fat hazelnut creamer.  But, the vast majority of my adult coffee drinking has been just plain old strong black coffee.

That being said, I Love (with a capital L), a frou-frou coffee every once in awhile.  Once a week if I can afford it. When I had the chance, through SheSpeaks and Torani, to try Torani syrups at home, I jumped at it.

When I received my box with Sugar Free Salted Caramel and Gingerbread syrups I was excited! And rightly so.  It's good stuff!  I tend to stay away from Sugar Free stuff for various reasons.  Because I'm not sure the things that make it sugar free are good for you and there is often an unpleasant after-taste.  I tried both flavors and have to say that the sugar-free Salted Caramel was my favorite.  I liked the Gingerbread too, but not as much as the Salted Caramel.  It was good stuff.  I tried it in my coffee and also in my coffee with half and half added.  I liked the added creaminess the half and half added.  The other coffee drinkers in our house tried them as well and gave them two-thumbs up.

I would recommend these syrups for your stay-at-home fancy coffees.  I also noticed there are LOTS of recipes using the syrups on their website, but I haven't had a chance to try any yet!  I was impressed with the variety, though, and look forward to giving some of them a try soon.  (There's even a BACON  syrup!!!)

I also plan on taking the syrups with us on our holiday visits and sharing them with everyone else!  Good stuff!!

I think it's time for a list

I have a birthday coming up, in October.  October is going to be crazy busy, like things every weekend, so I'm not waiting to do it on my birthday. And,  I'm not going to force you to read a list that includes one thing for every year I am old, because that would be a loooooooooooooooooooong list.  No, I won't subject you to that :)  I'll make it shorter.  But I've been feeling like it's time to make a list of things. It will be random, because I don't have a subject in mind, but here we go!

1-My college class is having it's 30th reunion in October. 30th!!! I am old.  That is weird. It also means that my high school class will be having a 35th reunion next year.  THAT is even weirder.

2-I don't feel any older than I did when I was in my 20's.  I remember (when I was in my 20's) my dad telling me that exact thing -- that he didn't feel any older inside, just his body.  I remember thinking "uhhh, yeah, suuuuuuure dad."  Now I know just what he meant.

3-When I was a little girl my dog, Princess Anne Burns, had puppies.  We named them Duchess, John John and . . . I can't remember the third ones name.  My friend Tricia and I took one of them, Duchess I think, on a bike ride with us.  We put her in the bike basket on the front of Tricia's bike. She fell out.

4-I had a purple stingray bicycle with a banana seat.  Tricia had a three speed traditional bike.  She liked riding mine and I liked riding hers.  Weird.  Mine was a one speed which I thought was lame.  My brother had a gold sting ray with a metallic banana seat and THREE SPEEDS.  Wish I still had that purple bike!  Oh, and it had a white plastic basket on the front with plastic flowers on it.

5-I walked or rode my bike to elementary school all year long -- rain, snow, etc.  I don't ever remember getting a ride.

6-I also wore pants under my skirt in the winter time.  Everyone did.  Girls had to wear dresses or skirts to school ALWAYS, no pants.  We had to take the pants off when we got to school and then we could put them back on at recess.

7-I remember when the dress code changed and we could wear pants (not jeans) to school.   I was in 6th grade.

8-My first apartment was the upstairs of a small house in Hesston.  I lived above one of the local police officers.  He had a small child and once they called and asked me to turn down my music.

9-I took a group of 8 teenagers to Mexico on a Girl Scout trip when I was a young adult.  We lost two of the girls in Mexico City.  We found them.

10-Our tour guide took us around Mexico City in two vans.  One of them was an old VW bus and the side door wouldn't close so he had to buckle it closed with a belt.  Seriously.

11-The guards at the Casa de Cambio's (the places where we exchanged our money) had big machine guns.  Well, that's what they looked like to me. They were big guns.  It freaked me totally out.

12-I was in active in 4-h when I was young and as a teenager was very involved at the county level, participating in trips to Chicago, Kansas City and Washington D.C./New York City.

13-Our county 4-h had a pageant at the county fair each summer where we sang and put on skits.  I did an Edith Ann skit (based on a Lily Tomlin character) and performed it at the State Fair too.

14-After our meetings and practices we always went to Dairy Stripe (the local version of Dairy Queen) and they would give me free ice cream cookies in my ice cream cone if I would do Edith Ann for them. I was like a local celebrity (not really).

15-When my kids were little, there were some books that I would read to them at bedtime that made me cry every time I read them.  On the Day You Were Born and Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge, to name two.

16-I like to make my Christmas gifts.  Pinterest is like a dream come true for me.

17-I also tend to be a big planner and not do so great with follow through.

18-When I was in college and right after, my family teased me about always giving unfinished Christmas gifts.

19-I have good intentions, almost always.

20-My mom used to say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

21-Now I feel bad about having good intentions.

22-I think the majority of people in the world are good people.

23-I think it's possible for people to get along.

24-Sometimes it's really hard to get along, even with the people I love the most in the world.

25-When I was a kid, my dad made hundreds of pounds of peanut brittle every Christmas season and sold it. He was known far and wide (in central Iowa) as making the best peanut brittle.

26-I wish I'd have paid more attention to how he made it and let him teach me his method.

27-When I was 11 or 12 my family moved to the country.  Our house was on an inactive farm, but there was a barn and outbuildings.  I loved to lay on top of an abandoned hog feeder and watch the sun set.

28-I also liked to jump up and down on a fence that had fallen down across a big gulch.  I ended up falling and cutting my knee while "jumping on the fence" and had to get stitches.

29-Once I also fell off a balcony that was being built on my baby-sitters house and sprained my ankle.  I had to use crutches.

30-My babysitters son Jimmy would put me in the wagon and pull me all around their property.  He would take me out far from the house and then leave me.

I think 30 is enough, don't you?  Enough about me.  I just went with my train of thought.  Sorry if I repeated myself (I'm old, you know).

So long . . .

It's been a long time since I've posted here.  Sooooo long . . .

Things in my life have slowed down, in some ways.  Having two children gone to college definitely changes the landscape of my days.  I miss them, but I guess I'm easing into this phase of parenting.  Life goes on -- going to work, paying bills, taking Ellie where she needs to go, cooking, cleaning (well . . .).  The daily responsibilities keep me from getting too melancholy about things, at least most of the time.  Of course, there are moments.

Last night, for the second time this fall, we had no children at home.  That was a little too weird.  I'm not wild about that.  I expected to like it, but it was just so quiet.

I'm trying to do more art things, but I'm only partially successful.  I have lots of vision and ideas, but actually doing them is hard sometimes. I wish I had a space in the house dedicated to creative stuff.  That may be a goal for the next few months.  We have room, it's just cluttered and not very inviting, but that could change.  Ellie asked for space to create for her birthday (and for Christmas last year, too, I just realized) so maybe it's time to make something like that happen.

And the weeks just fly by. I'm trying to plan ahead more and not have things sneak up on me.  But, wow!  It seems like it's just Sunday and I'm planning my week and suddenly, it's Friday again.  Time is strange, isn't it?

I guess I have nothing profound on my mind today, just wanted to post again after a long break.  Maybe I'll be profound next time!!

Happy Fall!

Melancholy, baby

I'm thinking summertime must make me feel melancholy. Maybe it's because it takes me back to happy times, in my childhood and later, my children's childhood. Happy, carefree days spent outdoors.

I've just recently been thinking a lot about my own children's childhood. A lot about things I could have (should have?) done differently. And about how quickly it passes.

I remember being a young adult and how much I enjoyed those years. And then I remember anticipating parenthood, and my years as a parent of young children.

Having young adult children seems to be an interesting phase of life to be moving into. It's not a bad thing, I know it will hold many wonderful things, but it's not a phase that I have eagerly anticipated as I have other phases, and it seems to involve a harder "letting go" of what was than other phases have, for me anyway.

broken arm!

won't be posting for a while, not good at one hand typing . . . yet!

Reporting in and other things

I got all my reports back.  Everything was good.  My cholesterol and blood pressure were on the high end of normal, but not a concern at this point.  He said exercise would improve both.  My heart tests were all good and although they can't give a for sure report, the chance of me having a "heart related incident" in the next five years is very low.   So, that's all good.  Let the exercise regimen begin.  He recommended that I walk, so walk I shall.

There was something else I was going to post about but I have completely forgotten what it was.

I got my echocardiogram images and movies, but not my gamma-ray photos.  I will post those when I get them.  They were awesomely beautiful.  I can't figure out how to save my echo images.

That's all for now.

The affect of gamma rays

On me (not Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds, although I do remember that book/play from my high school days.  I don't think I ever read it, but I liked other books by that author, Paul Zindel, specifically My Darling, My Hamburger).

Remember these?  There was another one to go with this one that
had a picture of a nuclear power plant thinking "no cows"

I had a nuclear stress test last week.  Interesting stuff.  Especially interesting because I came of age during the "no nukes" era, and I was big into no nukes. Went to protests and everything, and had lots of buttons and pins (that I still have somewhere in the depths of my basement) that I wore with zeal.  I was also a card carrying member of the question authority brigade. Those were the days. But, I digress.

On to what affect these tests had on me.  For starters, it was kind of scary.  Everyone was really kind to me, but it was stressful.  Maybe that's why they call it a stress test?  For starters I had an echo-cardiogram of my heart.  It was awesome.  I had a screen right in front of me, and I could see my heart the whole time.  Have you ever seen your heart at work?  It was truly an incredible experience.  Spiritual even.  I have been having some irregular heart beats for quite a few years and it was really wild to see them happening.

Next, I went to see Mary and she injected me with something radioactive.  She assured me there was no danger, but it was kind of freaky.  I had to sit and wait while the radioactivity worked it's way to my heart, and then she took me in to the "gamma" camera to lie still and have pictures taken of my heart.  I actually almost took a nap.  The cameras are all around you and it would be hard if you were claustrophobic, but I'm not really.  The pictures were really pretty.

Next, I had to go do the treadmill.  They hooked me up to all kinds of monitors and the doctor, a technician, and Mary were in the room with me.  I am not in great shape, but the exercise part went fine, and I had no chest pain. They kept asking me, but I was fine.  When I got to my target heart rate, Mary injected me with more radioactive stuff and then after a minute or two I could stop.  I went  back downstairs and got to nap again while she took more pictures of the radioactive stuff in my heart.  I worked up the courage to ask her if I could get some pictures of my heart -- they were so pretty and I thought it would be cool to make some art using them.  She actually told me I could get a whole cd of my heart images.  I'm so excited!!!  When I filled out the paperwork for it I told the lady I was going to make art with it.  She stared at me like I was nuts.  I laughed nervously and said I was sure she heard it all.  She continued to stare at me like I was nuts.  Maybe she doesn't hear it all.  Haha.

And now for the affects this testing has had on me.

Well, I'm trying harder than I ever have before to treat my body as a temple.  I don't think I ever really thought that much about that concept, and I've always taken my health for granted.  As soon as I get the all clear, I've decided I want to be a runner.  Not a fast runner.  I really was the last person chosen in elementary school when the "captain" got to choose relay teams.  But I want to run.  I crave the freedom that running represents for me.

Another affect is that I'm trying, really hard, to give other people a break.  I had gotten really intolerant of people doing what I felt like were stupid things.  Specifically people in cars, but not necessarily.  I've decided to work even harder to see the good in everyone I meet or see.  It's not easy, but this experience makes me want to try harder than ever.

I've also been humbled by my health.  Spending time in medical clinics is really eye opening.  You see people going through great personal crisis and trauma, and it makes you more aware of the many blessings in your life.  Well it did me, anyway.

Sorry I'm so wordy tonight.  This isn't even all I wanted to say.  But I'll save the rest for another time.

I caught this happy virus last night while singing beneath the stars. It's remarkably contagious. ...So Kiss me! 

-Hafiz

The Amazing Race

Do you watch that show? We have kind of gotten into watching it, off and on, as a family. It's kind of fun, kind of silly, kind of annoying (at times).

I was thinking this week that life is really an amazing race. We don't all get to hike in Nepal, or go to Cinderella's castle in Austria, but our lives are really amazing. Each and every day.

I'm dealing with some things right now. Nothing I'm ready to go into here, but it's made me very contemplative. Thinking about what matters, and having faith.

And it makes me really think how important it is to view each and every day as amazing. We are given so much. Sometimes it feels like too much. More often, though, we want more. Usually more of something that we can't have. Money. Time.

I'm trying to take the time to enjoy more moments of this amazing race called life. I'm trying to be more positive, more aware.

Join me? I'll race you!

That's so random

This makes me happy. I could just look and look and look at things like this. Do you know what it is?

Ellie used my glitter, which was also something that I could just look at and be happy.

That's probably a good thing. It was wasteful to just have it and not use it. But I liked looking at it. It made me happy.

My new watch makes me happy too. It's hard to see here, but the little circles are swarovski crystals. It's like magic. I don't understand at all how it works. But it makes me happy.

That's all I need to be happy. This glitter and this watch. That's all I need. I don't need one more thing.

I need this! (Name that movie and I'll give you a sticker).

Ok, enough whining

Or whinging as my New Zealand friend says.

It's a new year. I've made resolutions. Of course, I want to be healthier. If that includes losing weight, that's awesome. I do want to exercise more often, but that was something I wanted to do way before the new year. Hopefully I will get it done though.

My main resolutions are to:

1) Make more art. I don't mean crafty stuff -- I do plenty of that, and I love it -- my knitting keeps me sane, but I mean real art -- drawing, painting, collage, etc.

2) Be a nicer person inside my head, and inside my car. I tend to call other drivers IDIOT quite often. I was trying to be kind to everyone before Christmas, and I let people in front of my several times at the Walmart parking lot, but I also ended up calling several of them IDIOT. My mom said that undid my good deed. She's probably right. I'm going to try being nicer on the inside this year. I think my outside self is pretty nice to pretty much everyone, but I'm not always nice inside my head or my heart. I want to be.

That's it for now. I have lots of things I want to do with my life. Be more organized, make long term lesson plans, de-clutter my house. But they are way too much to think of all at once!!!

I'm not ready

We had a wonderful Christmas. Really. And now I am totally freaking out. I am realizing that it's once again time for the letting go to begin. And I'm not ready. This time as parents of children who live with you goes too fast. There's no other way to put it. Next year at this time we will have two children living at college and not living with us except at holidays.

To put it lightly, I'm freaking out. Not outwardly. And I'll be fine. We'll all be fine. It's what we do these years of parenting for.

But trust me, it's not easy. I don't want to let go.

So Merry Christmas to all, or whatever holiday you might celebrate during this time of year when light is hard to come by (although here in Kansas we have had beautiful sunlight to balance out the dark nights). I understand and appreciate the many, many blessings in my life. And I know that in the big picture this letting go is easy compared to what many mother's deal with daily. But that doesn't make it any less gut-wrenching for me.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.

I am so bad at this

I don't know how long it's been since I posted here. A long time. Life is busy. I read a quote last night in the book I'm reading that struck a cord.

"Imagine you dream of the things you might become--maybe a doll maker or a singer or you just want to travel one way to another country and see what it's like to live there. And at some point, you notice years have gone by, years of spending your days doing these trivial things you aren't even interested in. And you wonder what happened to your dreams? What happened to the you who might have been?"

-- From "Up from the Blue" by Susan Henderson

It just made me think about life, and how fast it goes by, and wondering if you really get the things done that you wanted to, that you dreamed about when you were young.

I don't know the answer. I know that a lot of the things that have taken up my time are nothing I ever dreamed, but I love them, because they made me who I am now and they brought the people into my life that mean so much to me. And helped me appreciate the ones that were already here.

I turn 52 tomorrow. I thought of making a list of 52 things but that kind of overwhelms me right now.

I'm going to go out tonight and watch the meteor shower with my family. And tomorrow I'm doing a "painting" birthday party for a friend and her daughter, who is one of my students. I'm excited about that.

I read a blog post about a woman who, along with her children, did 35 random acts of kindness for her 35th birthday. If I'd have read it sooner I would have tried to do that. Maybe we'll do it another day.

I always used to say fall was my favorite season, and it is a beautiful season, but I've decided that it's melancholy. I don't know why, but it feels that way to me. I know when my grandma died it was fall. That was the first death that really hit me, as an adult, and made mortality real. Her funeral was on my birthday. I remember vividly the funeral home director telling us that she was a lovely corpse. Even in my grief I couldn't believe it. Do you really tell people that???? Seriously?

Random post, but at least I posted for a change!
Be well.

On reading and sexism

I pride myself in being a pretty tolerant person. While I have my days (just ask my family) when people of the world get on my nerves, most of the time, I accept people where they are. I'm not one that has prejudices against others just because they are different from me. And if I identify a prejudice that I am harboring, I try to change it in myself. That being said, I pretty much refuse to read books written by men. Oh, ocassionally I will read a book by the likes of Thomas Merton, but when I choose books to read for pleasure, they are exclusively by women. So much so that I won't even look at books by men. Another thing about how I choose books, though, is that I have to like the cover. You know that adage "don't judge a book by it's cover?" Not true, for me, when choosing reading material. Cover is important. I believe in not judging people by their "cover" aka first impressions, etc., but when it comes to books? Well, forget it. I am drawn to interesting book covers. By women. I did read a book by a man recently, and liked it immensely. Hotel at the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford. Doesn't that title just make you want to read it? And it has a pretty cover too. I'm thinking he must write like a woman.