Did I? Was I?

I just read a friend's blog post about valentine's day, and it included this:

and i will remember.  i will remember.  there were many years that i would have given almost everything to have this. and i imagine there will be moments that i will give almost everything to have it again.

I will admit, it brought stinging eyes, not quite tears, but a recognition. I remember those times, and they are few and far between now, and different.  Did I remember during those times how much I had wanted it before.  Was I able to be in the moment and enjoy it?  I hope so, but as I think back I'm afraid maybe I was too busy being stressed and unhappy about something trivial, in retrospect.  At the time, I'm sure it didn't seem trivial, whatever it was (messy house, bickering kids, not the "perfect" moment I'd been planning).
And now I am at that place where I would give almost anything to have it again.  I'm not unhappy with where my life is now, but I do miss my kids and their growing-up years.  As much as I may remember feeling stressed, etc. they were good years.

And now, it's lent.  I've given up evening snacks.  It's not so hard except at about 9:30 and only for a few minutes.  I've also given up being impatient with my loved ones.  That's the harder one, but I don't want it to be.  I want to remind myself about why I love them when I start feeling impatient or unhappy about something in our relationship. I do love them.

And, I've taken on exercising, again.  I've been riding the exercise bike in the basement, 9 of the last 14 days.  I was hoping it would give me more energy and make me less tired.  Not yet, but maybe still?

For valentines day, I made my family heart shaped cinnamon rolls. They were overnight rolls so I made them the night before and cooked them in the morning.  My college girls didn't get them til today.  Too busy!

My sweetheart made me a heart shaped popcorn ball.  Before we started dating, he worked at the desk at the men's dorm at our college.  He would use his popcorn popper and make popcorn balls and rice krispie treats.  My friends and I would go steal them (and visit with him).  That is when I started falling in love with him and his sense of humor :)  I'm glad he made it as a reminder.  (I've eaten part of the heart bump, it looked more like a heart when he gave it to me!

Spread love.

2013

That is really weird to say (even in my head).  Twenty Thirteen.  My mind can barely wrap itself around that date.  Seriously.  I'm kind of stuck in the 80's or maybe 90's in my brain.  Not that life has stood still or anything, but that's the age I still feel like I am -- in my 20's or 30's, maybe early 40's.  Yeah, reminds me of when I really was in my 20's and my dad said to me "I still feel the same inside as I did when I was younger. My body feels older but inside I feel just the same."  I nodded and smiled, I'm sure, but in my mind I was thinking "ummmm, yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, sure you do dad".  Now I know just what he meant (and all the 20 and 30somethings are nodding and thinking "ummmm, yeeeeeeeeeah, sure you do Beth". (Ok, I know I've posted this little story before, maybe more than once, but it just seemed to fit here.  I promise this is the last time for that little story :))

I have been thinking about my blogs lately.  I haven't been posting much at all.  Too busy, I guess, and maybe not interested?  When I started this blog I was pretty motivated to write about my life, and I seemed to have a lot of angst.  I don't know if I have mellowed or if my angst has just migrated somehow.  I'm more negative in general, I think, but I don't feel as much dissatisfaction.  I think that's good.  I also think it would be good for me to be less negative.  So, t hat's what I'm going to work on for 2013 (which I just typed as 2012, because I am in deep, deep denial).

I'm planning to start the practice of Examen with a good friend from college.  I'm hoping that will help me get back on a positive track, and maybe that will ripple out and help me be more productive and not such a procrastinator.  Is that too much to expect of it?  Have any of my many (haha) readers practiced Examen?  Do you even know what it is?  You can read about it here and here, although those talk about it as a singular activity, and I am planning on doing it with someone else.  This book is what I am using as a guide.  If you have practiced this, please share your experiences.  I'm hoping to make it a weekly practice, although much of what I read talks about it as a daily practice.

We had a nice trip to visit family for the holidays, but returned home just before returning to work, so things are feeling kind of scattered.  Teaching art continues to fulfill me in many ways while overwhelming me at the same time.  I love it, though.  And adjusting to two in college continues to be a work in progress.  I miss them, terribly sometimes, but life adjusts to the new rhythms and feels good too.

Happy New Year!

Did you know that I love coffee?

This post is sponsored by SheSpeaks and Torani.

I don't know if you knew that about me or not. But, it's the truth, I love coffee.  Most of the coffee I drink is black. I went through a phase where I wouldn't drink coffee without no-fat hazelnut creamer.  But, the vast majority of my adult coffee drinking has been just plain old strong black coffee.

That being said, I Love (with a capital L), a frou-frou coffee every once in awhile.  Once a week if I can afford it. When I had the chance, through SheSpeaks and Torani, to try Torani syrups at home, I jumped at it.

When I received my box with Sugar Free Salted Caramel and Gingerbread syrups I was excited! And rightly so.  It's good stuff!  I tend to stay away from Sugar Free stuff for various reasons.  Because I'm not sure the things that make it sugar free are good for you and there is often an unpleasant after-taste.  I tried both flavors and have to say that the sugar-free Salted Caramel was my favorite.  I liked the Gingerbread too, but not as much as the Salted Caramel.  It was good stuff.  I tried it in my coffee and also in my coffee with half and half added.  I liked the added creaminess the half and half added.  The other coffee drinkers in our house tried them as well and gave them two-thumbs up.

I would recommend these syrups for your stay-at-home fancy coffees.  I also noticed there are LOTS of recipes using the syrups on their website, but I haven't had a chance to try any yet!  I was impressed with the variety, though, and look forward to giving some of them a try soon.  (There's even a BACON  syrup!!!)

I also plan on taking the syrups with us on our holiday visits and sharing them with everyone else!  Good stuff!!

I think it's time for a list

I have a birthday coming up, in October.  October is going to be crazy busy, like things every weekend, so I'm not waiting to do it on my birthday. And,  I'm not going to force you to read a list that includes one thing for every year I am old, because that would be a loooooooooooooooooooong list.  No, I won't subject you to that :)  I'll make it shorter.  But I've been feeling like it's time to make a list of things. It will be random, because I don't have a subject in mind, but here we go!

1-My college class is having it's 30th reunion in October. 30th!!! I am old.  That is weird. It also means that my high school class will be having a 35th reunion next year.  THAT is even weirder.

2-I don't feel any older than I did when I was in my 20's.  I remember (when I was in my 20's) my dad telling me that exact thing -- that he didn't feel any older inside, just his body.  I remember thinking "uhhh, yeah, suuuuuuure dad."  Now I know just what he meant.

3-When I was a little girl my dog, Princess Anne Burns, had puppies.  We named them Duchess, John John and . . . I can't remember the third ones name.  My friend Tricia and I took one of them, Duchess I think, on a bike ride with us.  We put her in the bike basket on the front of Tricia's bike. She fell out.

4-I had a purple stingray bicycle with a banana seat.  Tricia had a three speed traditional bike.  She liked riding mine and I liked riding hers.  Weird.  Mine was a one speed which I thought was lame.  My brother had a gold sting ray with a metallic banana seat and THREE SPEEDS.  Wish I still had that purple bike!  Oh, and it had a white plastic basket on the front with plastic flowers on it.

5-I walked or rode my bike to elementary school all year long -- rain, snow, etc.  I don't ever remember getting a ride.

6-I also wore pants under my skirt in the winter time.  Everyone did.  Girls had to wear dresses or skirts to school ALWAYS, no pants.  We had to take the pants off when we got to school and then we could put them back on at recess.

7-I remember when the dress code changed and we could wear pants (not jeans) to school.   I was in 6th grade.

8-My first apartment was the upstairs of a small house in Hesston.  I lived above one of the local police officers.  He had a small child and once they called and asked me to turn down my music.

9-I took a group of 8 teenagers to Mexico on a Girl Scout trip when I was a young adult.  We lost two of the girls in Mexico City.  We found them.

10-Our tour guide took us around Mexico City in two vans.  One of them was an old VW bus and the side door wouldn't close so he had to buckle it closed with a belt.  Seriously.

11-The guards at the Casa de Cambio's (the places where we exchanged our money) had big machine guns.  Well, that's what they looked like to me. They were big guns.  It freaked me totally out.

12-I was in active in 4-h when I was young and as a teenager was very involved at the county level, participating in trips to Chicago, Kansas City and Washington D.C./New York City.

13-Our county 4-h had a pageant at the county fair each summer where we sang and put on skits.  I did an Edith Ann skit (based on a Lily Tomlin character) and performed it at the State Fair too.

14-After our meetings and practices we always went to Dairy Stripe (the local version of Dairy Queen) and they would give me free ice cream cookies in my ice cream cone if I would do Edith Ann for them. I was like a local celebrity (not really).

15-When my kids were little, there were some books that I would read to them at bedtime that made me cry every time I read them.  On the Day You Were Born and Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge, to name two.

16-I like to make my Christmas gifts.  Pinterest is like a dream come true for me.

17-I also tend to be a big planner and not do so great with follow through.

18-When I was in college and right after, my family teased me about always giving unfinished Christmas gifts.

19-I have good intentions, almost always.

20-My mom used to say "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."

21-Now I feel bad about having good intentions.

22-I think the majority of people in the world are good people.

23-I think it's possible for people to get along.

24-Sometimes it's really hard to get along, even with the people I love the most in the world.

25-When I was a kid, my dad made hundreds of pounds of peanut brittle every Christmas season and sold it. He was known far and wide (in central Iowa) as making the best peanut brittle.

26-I wish I'd have paid more attention to how he made it and let him teach me his method.

27-When I was 11 or 12 my family moved to the country.  Our house was on an inactive farm, but there was a barn and outbuildings.  I loved to lay on top of an abandoned hog feeder and watch the sun set.

28-I also liked to jump up and down on a fence that had fallen down across a big gulch.  I ended up falling and cutting my knee while "jumping on the fence" and had to get stitches.

29-Once I also fell off a balcony that was being built on my baby-sitters house and sprained my ankle.  I had to use crutches.

30-My babysitters son Jimmy would put me in the wagon and pull me all around their property.  He would take me out far from the house and then leave me.

I think 30 is enough, don't you?  Enough about me.  I just went with my train of thought.  Sorry if I repeated myself (I'm old, you know).

So long . . .

It's been a long time since I've posted here.  Sooooo long . . .

Things in my life have slowed down, in some ways.  Having two children gone to college definitely changes the landscape of my days.  I miss them, but I guess I'm easing into this phase of parenting.  Life goes on -- going to work, paying bills, taking Ellie where she needs to go, cooking, cleaning (well . . .).  The daily responsibilities keep me from getting too melancholy about things, at least most of the time.  Of course, there are moments.

Last night, for the second time this fall, we had no children at home.  That was a little too weird.  I'm not wild about that.  I expected to like it, but it was just so quiet.

I'm trying to do more art things, but I'm only partially successful.  I have lots of vision and ideas, but actually doing them is hard sometimes. I wish I had a space in the house dedicated to creative stuff.  That may be a goal for the next few months.  We have room, it's just cluttered and not very inviting, but that could change.  Ellie asked for space to create for her birthday (and for Christmas last year, too, I just realized) so maybe it's time to make something like that happen.

And the weeks just fly by. I'm trying to plan ahead more and not have things sneak up on me.  But, wow!  It seems like it's just Sunday and I'm planning my week and suddenly, it's Friday again.  Time is strange, isn't it?

I guess I have nothing profound on my mind today, just wanted to post again after a long break.  Maybe I'll be profound next time!!

Happy Fall!

Melancholy, baby

I'm thinking summertime must make me feel melancholy. Maybe it's because it takes me back to happy times, in my childhood and later, my children's childhood. Happy, carefree days spent outdoors.

I've just recently been thinking a lot about my own children's childhood. A lot about things I could have (should have?) done differently. And about how quickly it passes.

I remember being a young adult and how much I enjoyed those years. And then I remember anticipating parenthood, and my years as a parent of young children.

Having young adult children seems to be an interesting phase of life to be moving into. It's not a bad thing, I know it will hold many wonderful things, but it's not a phase that I have eagerly anticipated as I have other phases, and it seems to involve a harder "letting go" of what was than other phases have, for me anyway.

broken arm!

won't be posting for a while, not good at one hand typing . . . yet!