Today I feel . . .

Remember, one of the last times I posted, I said my life was less angsty these days?  Yeah, I lied.  I'm really feeling like I need to focus more on all the things in my life I have to be thankful for (No, thank you, I don't want to do the popular 30 days of Thankfulness.  That's fine for those that are doing it, but not my thing).  I do have so much to be thankful for.  Why is it that it's so hard to focus on the good, especially around those we care about the most?  Why is it so much harder to be patient and kind to those we love?  Oh, don't let me mislead you, I get impatient and unkind with those I don't love, too, I just hide it better.

I feel like I missed out on some important genetic makeup.  The cleaning, organizing and exercising gene. Yeah, that one. It comes so naturally for so many people, it seems. Surely I received and equally useful gene, but I'm not sure what it is.  I used to think it was empathy and kindness, but . . .(see above).  And besides, those genes are more hidden.  Everyone sees that I don't have the cleaning, organizing and exercising gene. It's obvious to everyone that knows me.

Anyway, I've been up since 6:15.  Couldn't sleep any longer.  And I've been cleaning the kitchen, and organizing my house in my head.  Now I'm sitting at the computer.  I've been kind of sick with respiratory stuff and have been going to bed early, plus we got our extra hour of sleep last night.  I think my body must have had enough rest for now.

There are my thoughts for the morning.  How do you feel today?

Winner, Winner, Chicken DInner

I'm a buzz agent.  Don't know what that is?  Well, you get free products from different companies, and they ask you to try them and then "buzz" about it to your friends.  It's not some mystery shop thing, they want  you to tell everyone that you got it free, and what you really thought about it.  I've gotten some really cool things over the years.  We got a Sonicare toothbrush, green cleaning supplies, various food items from Dillon's/Kroger . . . I'm sure there are others, but I'm not thinking of them now.

Anyway, this summer we got a free Kroger/Dillon's deli chicken dinner to try.  This week we had Bible School in the evenings, and I'm the co-director.  Bible school starts at 6:30, so most nights, I need to be there no later than 6.  Also, Ellie is in the community theatre play, and the production is this weekend.  Her practices start no later than 6:30 each evening, and sometimes earlier.  Talk about a busy week!  Add several jobs into the mix, and supper time could just be a time when we pass each other in the kitchen or on our way out the door.  But, at least one night this week, we sat down together and ate supper.  The chicken was good and fresh.  I know fried chicken for every meal wouldn't be healthy, but once in awhile it's ok.  We also had a coupon for free chips and a free bottle of coke. We added carrots and fruit and had a quick, well rounded meal.  Everything was tasty and we enjoyed some good family time together!

If you're interested in being a buzz agent (they have campaigns for almost anything == right now there are campaigns for wine, heart burn relief,  olive oil, shoe cushions and more -- let me know and I'll send you an invitation to join!

Yeah, and then there was that . . .

"that" being the blog post that I thought of today that has departed from my brain, for the time being.  I remember thinking, "wow, I never post on my blog anymore, but that would be a good thing to post about", but now it's gone.

But I guess I'll post anyway, and maybe it will come back to me. Or maybe not. Anyway, here are a few things that have been on my mind:

Reading, feminism and other thoughts in my brain -- I really like reading books by women.  It's a bias.  I know it is.  I don't think it's necessarily a bad one, though.  I did post about it before, I know, but I've been thinking about it again.  I've noticed that, generally speaking, we (collectively) tend to quote, mention, write about men.  I have been noticing.  One of my daughters took a class on gender and feminism this year, and we've had some great discussions about it.  Anyway, a few Sundays ago I took note of how many quotes and poems were used during worship.  The total was 4, 2 poems and 2 quotes.  1 was by a woman.  True enough, the poem by the woman was the main part of the sermon, so it received quite a bit more time than the ones by men.  And the ones by men were good ones, don't get me wrong.  I have just been struck by how prevalent that is in many aspects of our society.  Art museums, for example.  Have you seen this? I saw a movie at the Kansas Art Education Association conference last fall, Who Does She Think She Is?,  that made me really stop and think about this.  It's how I was taught art history (male dominated).  It's how I have been teaching art history.  But it's not how I plan to continue teaching art history.  You might say, where the heck have I been to not have noticed this?  I guess you could say that I was eye-deep in raising a family and keeping my head above water, but that's not really a valid excuse or reason.  I was active in women's issues when I was younger, but somehow it slipped by me for a few years. Which is crazy, considering I have 3 daughters, but that's the truth.  I'll try to make up for it now!

And now the other things that I was going to list have flown away and I'm going to go watch a movie, so I'll stop for now!  I plan to come back though :)

Did I? Was I?

I just read a friend's blog post about valentine's day, and it included this:

and i will remember.  i will remember.  there were many years that i would have given almost everything to have this. and i imagine there will be moments that i will give almost everything to have it again.

I will admit, it brought stinging eyes, not quite tears, but a recognition. I remember those times, and they are few and far between now, and different.  Did I remember during those times how much I had wanted it before.  Was I able to be in the moment and enjoy it?  I hope so, but as I think back I'm afraid maybe I was too busy being stressed and unhappy about something trivial, in retrospect.  At the time, I'm sure it didn't seem trivial, whatever it was (messy house, bickering kids, not the "perfect" moment I'd been planning).
And now I am at that place where I would give almost anything to have it again.  I'm not unhappy with where my life is now, but I do miss my kids and their growing-up years.  As much as I may remember feeling stressed, etc. they were good years.

And now, it's lent.  I've given up evening snacks.  It's not so hard except at about 9:30 and only for a few minutes.  I've also given up being impatient with my loved ones.  That's the harder one, but I don't want it to be.  I want to remind myself about why I love them when I start feeling impatient or unhappy about something in our relationship. I do love them.

And, I've taken on exercising, again.  I've been riding the exercise bike in the basement, 9 of the last 14 days.  I was hoping it would give me more energy and make me less tired.  Not yet, but maybe still?

For valentines day, I made my family heart shaped cinnamon rolls. They were overnight rolls so I made them the night before and cooked them in the morning.  My college girls didn't get them til today.  Too busy!

My sweetheart made me a heart shaped popcorn ball.  Before we started dating, he worked at the desk at the men's dorm at our college.  He would use his popcorn popper and make popcorn balls and rice krispie treats.  My friends and I would go steal them (and visit with him).  That is when I started falling in love with him and his sense of humor :)  I'm glad he made it as a reminder.  (I've eaten part of the heart bump, it looked more like a heart when he gave it to me!

Spread love.

2013

That is really weird to say (even in my head).  Twenty Thirteen.  My mind can barely wrap itself around that date.  Seriously.  I'm kind of stuck in the 80's or maybe 90's in my brain.  Not that life has stood still or anything, but that's the age I still feel like I am -- in my 20's or 30's, maybe early 40's.  Yeah, reminds me of when I really was in my 20's and my dad said to me "I still feel the same inside as I did when I was younger. My body feels older but inside I feel just the same."  I nodded and smiled, I'm sure, but in my mind I was thinking "ummmm, yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, sure you do dad".  Now I know just what he meant (and all the 20 and 30somethings are nodding and thinking "ummmm, yeeeeeeeeeah, sure you do Beth". (Ok, I know I've posted this little story before, maybe more than once, but it just seemed to fit here.  I promise this is the last time for that little story :))

I have been thinking about my blogs lately.  I haven't been posting much at all.  Too busy, I guess, and maybe not interested?  When I started this blog I was pretty motivated to write about my life, and I seemed to have a lot of angst.  I don't know if I have mellowed or if my angst has just migrated somehow.  I'm more negative in general, I think, but I don't feel as much dissatisfaction.  I think that's good.  I also think it would be good for me to be less negative.  So, t hat's what I'm going to work on for 2013 (which I just typed as 2012, because I am in deep, deep denial).

I'm planning to start the practice of Examen with a good friend from college.  I'm hoping that will help me get back on a positive track, and maybe that will ripple out and help me be more productive and not such a procrastinator.  Is that too much to expect of it?  Have any of my many (haha) readers practiced Examen?  Do you even know what it is?  You can read about it here and here, although those talk about it as a singular activity, and I am planning on doing it with someone else.  This book is what I am using as a guide.  If you have practiced this, please share your experiences.  I'm hoping to make it a weekly practice, although much of what I read talks about it as a daily practice.

We had a nice trip to visit family for the holidays, but returned home just before returning to work, so things are feeling kind of scattered.  Teaching art continues to fulfill me in many ways while overwhelming me at the same time.  I love it, though.  And adjusting to two in college continues to be a work in progress.  I miss them, terribly sometimes, but life adjusts to the new rhythms and feels good too.

Happy New Year!